I feel the need to vent, talk, just get it out. But when I start to, it just falls apart. People always say that there’s no day that they didn’t see me smile and you know, just laugh it all out. I “laugh” the whole day because that’s what everyone wants to see. But truth is, I have no words. I just go speechless ‘I don’t know’ or ‘yea’ or ‘I guess’ or ‘mmmm’ etc. it is not that I don’t have anything to say or I’m not feeling anything. I just don’t know how to communicate in the “right” way. I know I don’t have patience myself for my failure in communication but it does help when there is no understanding or encouragement, patience… I want to tell you I want to say what I have in mind, I just feel and have experienced when I do. It always comes out ‘ass backwards’ or the wrong way. Like my thoughts are never complete.
Sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone I know. Just to vent to someone who isn’t bias to any situation at hand, or maybe it is just to talk freely. Though even it comes to plain conversation, I feel I have nothing to give. Am I just that random and weird? Probably, but it is just hard to find those individuals whom enjoy conversations in such capacity.
I don’t know what’s up or down anymore. I just have to shut my eyes and pretend I’m in a log cabin in the woods and it’s cold but I’m nestled underneath thick throw blankets and pretend I am in complete control of everything around me, rather than fighting for breath beneath this surface of waves I cannot seem to break past.
I wish I’m the kind of person who could just stop saying “okay” when I mean “no, not really, no.” I wish I could start saying no. I don’t even know if it’s okay to stop sacrificing my time for others. I may come across as a bitch right now, but you know what ? I hope I do, because please just fuck off: every single one of you who constantly take from me and show no appreciation or gratification. I am spread so thin right now I don’t even feel like i’m holding on to the right things or people or priorities anymore. hell i don’t know what i’m doing anymore, I couldn’t tell you what I’ve eaten in the last few days. I’m doing things wrong again and I am doing too much.