I’ve been knocking on that door in my sleep.
I have endless hours upon hours of time with myself. I’m not yet sure if I like this, but I’m learning to. Is learning to be alone something I should take pride in?, Something I should consider valuable? or does this mean I’ll be ill-prepared to let others in?
I’m back home in Laguna and don’t really want to be here, but I don’t have one place I’d rather be. I still feel alone even when I’m surrounded by lots of people, but I don’t really have people I’d rather be with, if that makes sense.
Maybe this is melodramatic..hmm. no.. It’s melodramatic not maybe. But I guess, my truth is melodramatic. I simply don’t feel happy, even though I’m grasping at things to try and make myself feel this way. Truthfully I miss him (still the same guy) He completely stopped talking to me. This is the third time, I think. Third time is the charm? I hope that I can finally take a hint. I miss him but I’m not sure if this is just because I associate summer in this town with sleepless nights full of him. I’ve been having sleepless nights, but not the good kind I suppose.
What do I want? I can’t figure it out. But I need something. It’s so hard for me to respect what I guess his wish to cut me out. Maybe I could cope with it better if I had some sort of closure. Yell at me, scream at me, tell me you don’t want to be friends, tell me you want me out. I need to hear it, because the unknowing is driving me mad and I don’t know what I did or said to cause this silence. It’s been 8 months.. and I’m still stuck. It hurts too much. I feel so weak and I can’t figure it out why I even want your friendship.