Rough.

Right now, what I only feel is pain. Yes, pain. Have you ever had that moment when you can feel the pain in your chest and you want to stop it but there’s nothing you can do? hell yeah, that’s what I’m feeling.. I hate the fact that I can’t even fake a smile. Why does it have to be so hard to let go? can someone teach me please?

A lot of people say that when someone left, I must learn to let go. Unfortunately, all of them are leaving one by one. What am I supposed to do, stand still and watch them walk out of my life just like that? really? is that the best thing to do? What about friendship? What about love? What about being happy?

Making a choice is really hard.. because I want to be with that guy, forever. I’m so happy whenever he’s around and my day is incomplete if I don’t see him and now he left. He stopped being a friend, a buddy, my best friend, my laughing partner, a friend who listens to my stories.. I didn’t choose anyone, he chose to leave…but if I could only turn back time, I will not let this happen but the sad truth is I just can’t. I remember my argument with my ex boyfriend, I told him that maybe we’re not destined for each other and he used to tell me “don’t just follow your destiny, create your own way.”, we tried but it didn’t work. FACT: Losing a friend is harder than losing a boyfriend/girlfriend.

One of the saddest realities in life is that we can’t force anyone to stay if they want to go. We can’t even force anyone to care and love us just because we care and love them. We can’t be perfect for anyone. What hurts the most? you’re trying to be at least good but then we can’t control things, situations, and people. Losing people, losing him as a friend? I didn’t see it coming. “Things fall apart”, and I have to accept the fact that my tears won’t bring back the people I’ve lost, he won’t come back.

Are you guys familiar with the song “I won’t give up” by Jason Mraz? Well, it used to be my favorite song but my situation changed it. Yes, I won’t give up but how will I fight for someone who doesn’t even want to stay in my life? 😥 again, how.. relationship and even friendship are worth fighting for, but I/you can’t be the only one fighting.

I guess, I have to figure it out by myself. I can’t count on anyone now, it doesn’t mean I don’t trust that my other friends could help me, it’s just that I’m not sure who cares and who’s curious. srsly.

He knows he has my heart. He’s right when he said I can’t have everything I want but little did he know, he’s not a want.. he’s a need. :’)

Goodbye for now. See you. Until we meet again.