Apathism.

Published 08/01/2012 by Neds Rocillo

Why ruin a perfectly good flower when you know he loves you not?

Trying not to cry while typing this. lol who cares? If I can ask a simple question, why do I make things so hard? I never learned just how to accept. In a way, I’m slowly trying to convince myself that I’m better off just being your best friend. I just have so many thoughts that relate to you lately, and all they do is circle in my head. I’ve had quite a bit of alone time lately, and I’ve just been thinking so much.  I think about how I consider myself to be fucked up because I still think of you. Today, in the shower I was thinking about how you’re not even the type of man I’d be looking for. I wouldn’t even consider you a guy to treat a girl right, and yet when I’m around you I’m willing to throw all of my expectations away because of the way you make me feel. I know it isn’t right, and I know I shouldn’t but it’s hard. Whenever we’re together, you make me happy. You make me actually happy and it’s never been anyone else for this long. When you are so close, I felt my muscles tense up and the nerves starting. sh*t, insane?yes. I think about what it’d be like to kiss you one day, and I become overwhelmed. It’s amazing, what I feel for you, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and I’ve yet to figure out how to deal with it. You’d think I’d be a pro at this now, seeing as I have 100+ entries in my journal about you, but I’ve yet to figure this out.

Sometimes I think it’s torture to be “stuck” being just your friend but hey! I consider it a blessing. Who else would I be able to lay there and listen to music with all day long. You’re that person that I enjoy being around, and happiness doesn’t need to be forced. Sometimes I think it’s more special being your friend because you don’t do these things with your girlfriend, and sometimes when you tell me stuff or we have talks at 2-4AM I realize you don’t talk to anybody else that way and it just makes me feel good. I’d like to think it’d hurt to watch you marry someone else in the future, but in a way it might be life’s little way of letting me know that I need to find someone that’s good for me. You’re good for me, but not in the way it needs to be. I need someone to be loyal and faithful and kind and the only way I get that from you is by being your friend. I’d like to think I’ll always have you as my special person even if I find someone else in the future. I like to think that no matter what happens with anyone, I’ve got you. Even when we don’t marry and find our own people, it’s for the best. Of course I’d love to wake up beside your face every morning, but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to love you and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m loving you by being here for you, and I’m loving you by not running away from my feelings. It’s not always easy pretending and I do it all the time, for you. I don’t want you to be lonely, I want you to have someone to talk to, always. I want you to have someone that will never leave you by choice and who could do it better than me? I don’t know. I’ve accepted that part, the fact that no matter what happens my love for you crawls right back to me. It’s you. Everything about you is lovable to me. You’re someone I can easily find myself happy with. A relationship would kill us. My feelings would go nuts, I’d get jealous, I’d get crazy, you’d hate me. I can’t get that way with just being friends because I have absolutely no right and I have an easier way of accepting things when I know I have no way of ruining something. A relationship is much easier to kill than a friendship. We’ve been friends for years, on and off maybe, but we’ve been friends. I’ve let you back into my life so many times because I don’t see a problem. I love you, so why the fuck not.

So many people have a problem with the fact that we talk on and off, and the fact that you run away and hide from the world and come crawling back. But in all honesty, what business is that of theirs. This is my way of loving you. By letting you come and go as you please. Why should I force you to stay if you want to go, why should I say “either talk forever, or not at all.” You’re my heart. If you want to go, you may go. If you want to come back, you have no doubt in my mind every single right to come back and my arms will be wide open willing to accept you. That actually sucks. Sometimes I think the on and off of feelings will get to be too much, and that I’d eventually need to let go, but why should I? so many people pull that crap. So many people stop being a friend to someone because it’s too hard on themselves to love them. But what about the other person? You never asked for me to be in love with you, you asked for a friend and that’s exactly what I’m going to be to you. I’m not going to let my own emotions get in the way of being a good friend because it isn’t your fault that I feel things for you, neither of us could change it so why let it change us. Loving you is enough for me.

I’m sorry, I’m really ranty right now. I’ve just got so many thoughts, and emotions, and I miss you, the good old times, and I know it’s hard but I just wish I knew what was going to become of us. I get scared that one day we’ll stop talking and we won’t start up again. We don’t ever have to be in a relationship, and if one day you decide you no longer want a friendship and even a relationship that might turn into a ‘relationshit’, I know that I’ll still love you with my whole heart to the best of my ability and I’ll remember you and I’ll be happy.  I love you and thank you for being one of God’s greatest gifts.

Advertisements

3 comments on “Apathism.

    • Nedith, same thing here. The hardest thing right now is not my exam week but being in the middle of two choices: the person I love since 2nd year HS (an unconditional, martyr, future-fruitful-true, unexplanable love) and the person I have happiness with at times my love wasn’t there.

  • Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

    Connecting to %s

    %d bloggers like this: